Kids and Teens: The First Holiday After a Loss or a Divorce

The first holiday after a death or a split is hard for kids in a way they often cannot say. The traditions are the same, but one person is missing, or there are two houses now. Kids watch the adults to learn how to feel. This page is for the adults: what to say, what to keep, what to change, and how a group can help.

This page is for

Parents and caregivers of a child or teen facing a first holiday after a death, a divorce, or a separation.

Teachers and counselors who want something to send home.

Safety first

If a child or teen talks about wanting to die, take it seriously and call or text 988. Asking directly does not plant the idea.

What helps

Say the name. Kids worry that talking about the person will upset you. Go first. Tell a story. Light a candle. Let them see it is allowed.

Keep one thing, change one thing. Keep the cookies. Skip the trip. Ask the kids which is which. Having a say is half of feeling safe.

Tell them the plan early. Which house, which day, who will be there. Kids handle a hard plan better than a surprise.

What to expect

1Grief in bursts. A kid can cry, then ask for pie five minutes later. Both are real.

2Acting out, not talking. Younger kids show it in behavior and sleep. Teens go quiet or get angry. Watch for the change, not the words.

3Loyalty binds. After a divorce, kids feel they have to pick. Tell them, out loud, that they do not.

What the research says, in plain words.

A review of 17 studies looked at programs for kids who lost a parent. Most were group programs. They brought large gains in grief and smaller gains in anxiety, depression, and behavior.¹

One family grief program was followed for six years. Kids had less problem grief and fewer mental health problems well into their teens.²

A school-based group for children of divorce, studied in a controlled trial, eased anxiety and improved coping compared with kids who waited.³

Finding a group for your child

Children's grief centers run free peer groups by age, often with a parent group at the same time. Many hospices do too.

Ask the school. Many schools run groups for kids of divorce or loss. The counselor will know.

Go to the parent group. Kids do better when the adult is steadier. That is what the parent group is for.

Questions to ask a group before you go

1What ages are in the group? Is there a group for parents at the same time?

2Is it for loss, for divorce, or either?

3Can we start now, or is there a wait until the next session begins?

Ready to find a group?

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In crisis? Call or text 988 (US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7).

The Group Guide is a directory, not a clinic. This handout is general education, not medical or mental health advice. Listings are written by group leaders and are not endorsements. Confirm details, cost, and fit with any group you contact. Sources on page 2.

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Sources

Kids and Teens: The First Holiday After a Loss or a Divorce · references keyed to the numbers on page 1.

1Bergman, A.-S., Axberg, U., & Hanson, E. When a parent dies: a systematic review of the effects of support programs for parentally bereaved children and their caregivers. BMC Palliative Care (2017), 16, 39.

2Sandler, I. N., Ma, Y., Tein, J.-Y., Ayers, T. S., Wolchik, S., Kennedy, C., & Millsap, R. Long-term effects of the Family Bereavement Program on multiple indicators of grief in parentally bereaved children and adolescents. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (2010), 78(2), 131–143.

3Pedro-Carroll, J. L., & Cowen, E. L. The Children of Divorce Intervention Program: an investigation of the efficacy of a school-based prevention program. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (1985), 53(5), 603–611.

In crisis? Call or text 988 (US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7).