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The Group Guide
Connecting people to community
Client and Family Education
What to know about

How to Listen to Someone Who Is Struggling

When someone you love is hurting, the urge is to fix it. Give advice. Point out the bright side. Say it will be okay. Almost all of that lands as "you are not listening." What helps is simpler and harder: stay, hear it, and show you heard it. This page is the short version, with the words.

This page is for

Anyone whose person is grieving, anxious, depressed, in recovery, or just having a hard year.
Anyone who has been told "you always try to fix it" and did not know what else to do.

Safety first

If they talk about wanting to die, ask directly. "Are you thinking about killing yourself?" Asking does not plant it. Then call or text 988 together.

Three moves

Reflect, don't fix. Say back what you heard. "It sounds like you're exhausted and nobody sees it." Then stop. Let them correct you.
Validate the feeling, not the facts. You do not have to agree with their take. "That makes sense you'd feel that way" is always true.
Ask before you advise. "Do you want ideas, or do you want me to just listen?" Nine times in ten the answer is listen.
Words that work
1"Tell me more about that." The best question there is. It says you are not done listening.
2"That sounds really hard." Short, true, no fix attached. Then silence. Silence is not failure.
3"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." For when there is nothing to say. There is often nothing to say.

What the research says, in plain words.

Carl Rogers argued in 1957 that people change when they feel understood and accepted, not when they are told what to do. Decades of therapy research back him up.1
In a study of first conversations, people who got active listening felt more understood than those who got advice or simple agreement. Reflecting back, no fixing.2
A review of listening at work found good listening lowers the speaker's anxiety and makes them think more clearly about their own problem.3
What not to say
"At least..." Anything that starts this way ends badly. "At least it was quick." Delete the sentence.
"I know how you feel." You might. Say "I remember something like that" and then go back to them.
"Have you tried..." They have. If they want your idea they will ask. Until then, it is noise.
If you need support too
1Is there a group for family and friends of people with this?
2Can I come without the person I'm supporting?
3Does it meet online, so I can go after they're asleep?

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In crisis? Call or text 988 (US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7).

The Group Guide is a directory, not a clinic. This handout is general education, not medical or mental health advice. Listings are written by group leaders and are not endorsements. Confirm details, cost, and fit with any group you contact. Sources on page 2.

The Group Guide
Connecting people to community
Client and Family Education

Sources

How to Listen to Someone Who Is Struggling · references keyed to the numbers on page 1.

1Rogers, C. R. The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology (1957), 21(2), 95–103.

2Weger, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. International Journal of Listening (2014), 28(1), 13–31.

3Kluger, A. N., & Itzchakov, G. The power of listening at work. Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior (2022), 9, 121–146.

In crisis? Call or text 988 (US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7).

The Group Guide is a directory, not a clinic. This handout is general education, not medical or mental health advice. Listings are written by group leaders and are not endorsements. Confirm details, cost, and fit with any group you contact.