Four habits that hurt relationships

Every couple, family, and friendship has conflict. Researcher John Gottman found that how people argue matters more than how often. These four habits do the most damage, and each one has an antidote.

When you feel flooded

Your heart races and all you want is to win or get away. That's your body's alarm, not a flaw. It's the moment to take a break, not to keep talking.

Four habits, one at a time

1Criticism

Attacking the person instead of the problem.

"You never help. You're so selfish."

Antidote: Start gently. Name the problem and what you need: "I'm worn out. Could you do the dishes tonight?"

2Contempt

Eye-rolling, mocking, sarcasm, or acting superior. In Gottman's research it was the strongest sign a relationship was in trouble.

"Oh, poor you. Like you'd ever understand."

Antidote: Build appreciation. Look for what they do right, and say it out loud, often.

3Defensiveness

Making excuses or flipping the blame back.

"Well, I wouldn't be late if you'd reminded me."

Antidote: Own your part, even a small one: "You're right, I forgot. I'm sorry."

4Stonewalling

Shutting down, going silent, or walking away, often because you feel flooded.

"Fine. Whatever."

Antidote: Take a real break. Say you need 20 minutes, calm down, then come back.

Why it works

In Gottman's long-term studies of couples, these four patterns during arguments predicted which couples later split up.¹

Keep in mind

Everyone does these sometimes. The goal is to catch them sooner and repair faster. Feeling unsafe with someone is not a communication problem: call 1-800-799-7233 (National Domestic Violence Hotline).

If you're in crisis, call or text 988.

General education, not a replacement for therapy or medical care. The Group Guide is a directory, not a clinic.

Sources: (1) Gottman and Levenson, The timing of divorce, Journal of Marriage and Family, 2000. Gottman, What Predicts Divorce?, 1994.

Four Habits That Hurt Relationships · Your page

Name Date

Catch it and repair

Think of a recent disagreement. For each habit you noticed in yourself, write what you said and what you'll try next time.

The habit

What I said or did

What I'll try instead

Criticism

Contempt

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

Repair phrases to borrow

• "I'm getting flooded. Can we pause?"• "Let me try that again."• "I can see my part in this."• "What I hear you saying is..."

Notes

Want to practice this with others?

Couples and relationship groups practice this with support. Scan to find one near you or online at thegroupguide.com.

If you're in crisis, call or text 988.