Boundaries and the Holidays

The holidays put you in rooms you do not choose, with people who know exactly which buttons to push. Nearly 9 in 10 adults say something about the season stresses them. A boundary is a plain statement of what you will and will not do. It is not a punishment, and it is not a fight. This page gives you the words, a plan, and a way out if you need one.

This page is for

Anyone dreading a family gathering: the questions, the drinking, the old arguments, the pressure to do it all.

People in recovery facing a table full of alcohol.

Safety first

If a family member is a danger to you or your kids, safety comes first. In an emergency, call 911. If you're in crisis, call or text 988.

What helps

Decide before you go. How long you will stay. What topics you will not discuss. Whether you will drink. Write it down.

Keep it short. "I'm not going to talk about that today." Then change the subject. You do not owe anyone a reason.

Have an exit. Drive yourself. Book the ride ahead. Tell one person you may leave early, so you do not have to explain at the door.

What to expect

1Pushback. People who are used to you saying yes will test a new no. Repeat it once, calmly. Do not argue it.

2Guilt. It shows up even when you did the right thing. Guilt is not proof you were wrong.

3Relief. Most people feel lighter after, not worse. The dread before is usually the worst part.

What the research says, in plain words.

In a 2023 national poll, 89% of adults said something about the holidays stresses them. Money, gifts, and missing loved ones topped the list. 43% said stress gets in the way of enjoying the season.¹

Learning to speak up for yourself has a real research base. A review of assertiveness training found it eased anxiety and low mood and improved relationships, often in group settings.²

For families of someone who drinks, Al-Anon and other family groups help members cope better and feel less alone, whether or not the drinker changes.³

Words that work

"We're going to head out around 3." Said at the start, not the end. A time set early is not a rejection.

"I'm not drinking today. I'll have the cider." No story needed. Bring your own drink so you are not asked twice.

"I'd rather hear about you." The kindest way to end a question you will not answer.

Questions to ask a group before you go

1Who is this group for? Families, couples, people in recovery, or anyone?

2Will I learn ways to say no, or is it mostly people sharing?

3Does the group meet during the holidays, or take a break?

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In crisis? Call or text 988 (US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7).

The Group Guide is a directory, not a clinic. This handout is general education, not medical or mental health advice. Listings are written by group leaders and are not endorsements. Confirm details, cost, and fit with any group you contact. Sources on page 2.

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Sources

Boundaries and the Holidays · references keyed to the numbers on page 1.

1American Psychological Association. Even a joyous holiday season can cause stress for most Americans. Harris Poll of 2,061 U.S. adults, November 14–16, 2023.

2Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. Assertiveness training: a forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice (2018), 25(1), 1–20.

3Timko, C., Young, L. A., & Moos, R. H. Al-Anon Family Groups: origins, conceptual basis, outcomes, and research opportunities. Journal of Groups in Addiction & Recovery (2012), 7(2–4), 279–296.

In crisis? Call or text 988 (US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7).